first off i want to talk about something...
FOR THE LAST FUCKIN TIME!!!
it would seem i have been as forgiven as i can be. which is GREAT! for the first time in what 3 years? i dont have to worry about being around my best friends boyfriend!!! we came to a common agreement that what happened is in the past, for real this time. last time we rushed into an agreement and shit went south but now i think enough time has gone by that we truly can move on.
so, i no longer have to think about it. i dont have to talk about it. it can go back to where it belong, a forgotten accident that has to be buried. i'm looking forward to being around him without having to second guess everything he says. so....deep breath and i hope this time, the peace holds.
on to the next major thing that happened in the past 24 hours.
well...i guess go in order.
i got home from work, and ed was watching 24. i knew i wanted to talk to him so i waited till the show was over before i went into. when the show was over i started with the most pressing fact. i had talked to carson and his mom had agreed to house ed for a week or so. the plan was for him to go over there and we would not contact each other for this whole week. i then listed the options he was going to come home to...
1. pay $700 rent lol
2.become my house slave
3. prove he does in fact love me and we have a true future together.
his immediate reaction was....predicable. he screamed "is this because i didnt wanna go to the beach one day!"
i kept my cool, and calmly explained this has been goign on for months. i've been second guessing he loves me for about 4 months..well..i've admitted to feeling that way about 4 months ago. in the past month e's been extra....dickish. so a few days ago i texted carson about him staying there blah blah blah....anyway the convo
admit you dont love...
so you do love me?
so you dont...i dont care anymore just man up.
i do love you.
why would i know that?
i say it.
i'm the queen of england.
and so on and so forth. FOR 4 HOURS!!! well most of it was me talking at him trying to get him to either say something or walk out.
well..crying for 3 hours straight does something funny to a person. YOU LOSE YOUR DAMN MIND. i finally took a deep breath and went for broke. i went on a screaming rant and honestly i dont know what i said lol. i know it had something to do with me loving him so much i'd live in a cardboard box and if he got rich someday he only get sluts and if he leaves me he'll get hit by a car and our lives suck and we cant change them so lets date. lol.....scary part is...
yeah. 3 hours of slow thought out logic, 3 hours of crying, 3 hours of trying to appeal to his way of thinking and me screaming non sense for like 5 minutes straight gets through?
anyway, at that point something changed. he started talking back, even answering questions, sorta. so i took the chance to ask a very important question.
can you see your self with me in 5 years.
yeah i know it sounds like something asked on a job interview but that is the thing to ask right? this is the answer i get
as long as my life goes to plan.
what the fuck is that shit? what does that mean!...wait...that statement drove me to the crazy rant lol...forgot
my crazy rant did something. i dont know what i say that that made him have a change of heart but he did. and somehow i got him to agree to a full commitment. this leads to a few very key changes in how we will interact with each other.
1. if he ever at any point backs out of this, he's out on his ass that moment. no more chances, no more sympathy, no more fuss.
2. unless he gets his ass kicked out, we're together for real lol....i'm trying not to say we're going to get married someday because thats too..final a statement. BUT we are now on a path that would lead to that.
3. dates. they will happen.
4. i will be more forceful about him doing stuff around the house.
5. i have to be more proactive in fixing the house.
but what means the most to me about all of this mess....i have a future to plan for now.
for the last year i've felt very lost. i had no goals and really i didnt give 2 shits what happened to me. now i have something to work for. i have a reason to try and better myself. i have to get healthy for ed. i have to clean the house so we can sell it so me and him can get a good place, so we can have a life together.
i know it sounds corny as hell but i have my dreams back. granted it's a little too early to get too excited that we have moved on and we can do this but i got alot of hope. he seemed to be telling the truth but it was 2 am lol. but now at least i dont have that nagging question or at least i wont let it win.
also now i have the power to kick him out with out feeling guilty. he knows what he has to do, and if he cant do it this time. fuck him.