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Demisa's thinkin...

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7/4/10 07:30 pm - death of a blog.

  no fear i'm not being an adult and giving it up lol...just makin a new one. thats goina be my lil project for the day...as soon as i'm done blogging about my..new..blog...

lol...wow i am SO AMERICAN!

FUCK YEAH 4 OF JULY HAPPY B DAY AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol....i'm really making 2. one for my bitching and one to keep track of my weight. 

new job. 

new life!

hopefully new weight.

why all this change? well since i have the new job i'm kinda starting my life over or at least trying too. 

i'm going to move in with my mom mom...which i am not happy about for many reasons. first and foremost it means i
m basically losing my bf. although he has SAID he will keep dateing me when i move he wont have a place to live...so yeah. mer well i'm not really going to get into it because i dont wanna cry again lol (my eyes are literally still red from last night.)

so so long good lil blog...OFF TO MAKE MY NEW BABIES!! i shall post links on my facy book because i am a loser lol.

6/21/10 09:29 pm - somtimes life is good

 it's rare but i had a really really good day which is funny because i didnt do jack shit.

i woke up at 11 am and called about jury duty. i didnt have to go in today. i have to call back tomarrow to see if they need me. i have to call frank to see if i can go in for my check up on Wednesday.  i dont think it will be a super issue. i'm kinda hoping i have to go in i really wanted to see a trial. I WANNA BE PART OF JUSTICE!!!! lol

after then i couldnt decide if i wanted to get up or go back to bed so i sorta just laid there and fell back asleep. i woke up now and then, read for a little bit, fall back asleep , read, sleep, read, sleep, so on and so forth till about 5 when i went to find food. ed ened up coming in for a while and after....adult content lol...he fell asleep. 

again i couldnt decide if i should get up or go back to sleep so i just sorta laid there...it isnt often i get to just enjoy ed....i dont even mean like sex lol just being with each other all cuddly and shit. i'm a romantic at heart and as lame as it sounds just being in the same room as him makes me happy. i just like being round him but i guess that is more or less what love is huh?

anyway. once more i found myself unsure if i should get up or go to sleep. it was getting pretty late so i thought i'd read until he woke up but he never did lol. by the time 9 came around i figured i should try and wake him up. (he normally goes to bed at like ten so..) he sorta woke up and i asked him if he was goina wake up or just sleep through. he never really answered me with words but he made no effort in getting up so i turned off the light and here i am.

i know it sounds like a very boring day but it was great. it's so rare i have a day this good lol. nothing bad happened just got to relax and enjoy his company. 

lately we've been really good. i cant even think of the last time we really fought. even little lame couple fights....i cant think of any. 

i worry about him lately though....fighting = passion. i dont care how you say it it means your passionate about something. ed has zero passion about anything really. i would have chalked it up to being an over worried girl if it hadnt been for something Joe said.   he said he's seen a change in ed. so i'm not alone in seeing this. according to ed i cant trust anything shawn says. i may ask him about it someday anyways. i dont buy into the gossip people have been saying about him. i mean i see what there talking about but i dont think it's as...i just dont buy into it.

what else.....i guess thats it.  i love. love love love love love days like this lol. 

6/14/10 03:51 pm - china...your killin me.

well my kimono came in.  i was so excited to get it because FINALLY i get to be something neat and cute and not porn lol...NO!!! yeah it's too small...ONE SIZE FITS ALL CHINA !! FUCK YOU!!! ..anyway. i may try and find another one. i really want to be able to dress up as close to a real geisha i can. granted i'm NOT wearing them crazy fuckin shoes lol. i'm going to wear my lil sandals i wear every god damn day of my life. there good enough lol. 

but when i say "real" i mean i dont want my tits out, which may or may not be FUCKIN IMPOSABLE! i might try playing around with different forms of binding with this dress. i guess i just have to accept i'll have cleavage (grumo grump grump).  


i wanna be cute. not sexy my face doesnt do sexy!!! I WANNA BE CUTE I WANNA BE CUTE I WANNA BE FUCKIN CUTE SON OF A BITCH!

i need to lose weight to be cute.....i hate working out i love eatting. 


i'm in kinda a crabby mood...but i am pmsing at the moment so. main point of this is i hate china lol. one size fits all should at least be a lil bigger. this thing barely covers my tits. i guess i will buy a new one....maybe i could use the one i got as the under kimono...but it would still be slightly too small and it';s a lil too colorful to be the underwear thingie. 

i do have till aug. to figure all this mess out. if nothing else fuck it i'll just give the thing to gwyn lol...benefits of having a fat friend you get clothing that doesnt fit me lol. 

on the good size it is really pretty. it's not like...real lol which could be why the  sizeing sucks so much. i mean on someone it doesnt looks costumey. it's bad a fabric that looks like real silk...some kinda satin, and the obi Velcros lol but like i said it's pretty and if it fuckin fit right i would be in love with it. 

at least now i have an emergency  con outfit lol. SEXY GEISHA NOOOOOOW!!! and it's really comfy. i'll find some use for it. i'm just kinda sad that once again i have to be "sexy ..." and not just whatever it is i wanna be.

my tits my be tailor made for sex but the rest of me is either cute or just okay. 

6/6/10 01:54 am - fang banger


i know it's not that big of a deal, but i never had a pay channel so this is like high fuckin class lol.  sorta like how olive garden, lol. i know the olive garden is the burger king of Italian food lol but it's a nbig deal to go there for me...i'm poor lol.

i pretty much got it for one show


it's my current and biggest fandom. what makes me more excited about  it is that i caught it when it started..sorta. i just found out today they have a comic book!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! looks like the comic is based more on the show then the books. i kinda like the show better anyway. the book kick ass but the show is just sooo well done!! sookie looks hot as fuckin hell in it lol...of course motherfuckin rogue is always hot lol

i dont even care that her teeth have a space big enough to bull a damn truck though she hot! plus she got those cute lil tits, not too small not to big like lil oranges. lol i like em!!!

i need to find a Merlotte's  patch online so i can cosplay sookie. i'm making ed be bill...he's pretty much good for it. all bill does is stand look unhappy and say he's a vampire lol. i just really wanna do a god damn couple cosplay. ~~~~~I WANNA FANDOM!!! I WANNA BE A GIRL BITCH BITCH BITCH WINE MOAN BITCH~~~~~~

nothing else is really going on in my life. still trying to find a job but so far that isnt going too great. i wanna sit down and make a diet plan. i cant just dooo things. i need a plan. lol. tuesday i'll sit down and really plan it out. i think i can lose SOMTHING. sad. i shouldnt have let ed get to me and i should have kept useing the wii fit. but what he said got to me and hurt me....

i'm really fuckin fragile lol. i try not to be but really i'm a damn china doll...no not even...i'm those damn eggs lol.....whatever there called. 

but none of that matters....i got true blood lol.



i can bring a pitcher of sweet tea to con lol. ya'll want some sweet tea? sweet tea ? ya'll get some sweet tea lol. i just like useing a southern accent lol. i think it's sexy. well...some southern accents are cute. lol but i guess that true with anything. english accent are sexy as shit ceeept that cockny shit lol....ELLO GOVNER PLEASENT DAY WE HAVIN YA SIR PLESENT DAY. lol...oh christ makes me wanna murder.

lots of sookies though. well maybe not since it's not really an anime. whatevers lol. POINT IS I WANTS IT



SOOKIE STACKHOUSE.....gay as name lol. 

this is long and pointless so i guess i better stop. 

5/18/10 08:24 pm - tryin to get a third wind lol

yay linkin park!! lol...when are they goina make a new cd? i love those guys. you know why?


 they aint dumb lol...they make there music nice and washed down so everyone and there mommies can like it. dont care love them to death. AND MOTHERFUCKIN MR HAN !!! lol <3 my korean DJ...or is he half? i think he was a full blood lol...eh whatevers.

i didnt sleep last night. i was goina take a nap at like 10 am lol but then i remembered i had to make an appointment with planed parenthood to get me some baby murder pills.....mmm..like caaaaandy!!! lol when i called them they said i could come in today. they didnt have any appointments till late so they werent really doing anything and it does take about 2 minutes to get the pills lol. so i did that and while i was out grabed some kitty kat food so my babies dont die lol.

when i got home it was like noon, so i decided i'd just play the sims...next thing i know it's FUCKIN 4 O CLOCK!!!! lol so i just kept playing. ended up getting to the sofa at somepoint and i was goina take a lil nap but i got a second wind so i was like fuck it i should really TRY to clean a lil. house would seriously be condemned if anyone came in.

put in a few cds and started picking up random trash then decided to clear  off this self thing. i'm trying to get all of my mom's shit out. a long time ago i got a big tub to put her clothing in but when i started cleaning i decided to put all her board games in. when i moved all that out i thought..hey, i should do something with this space. so i moved all the cases of tapes in that space and move her mags into the space they were in so now i have a blank self behind the sofa. really i got alot of space i can move stuff but i ran out of steam.

it's sooooo hard for me to get into the mood to clean or move stuff and when i do i seem to max out at about 2 hours. i got a decent amount of shit done. plus the other day i got around to weed the ivy outside my house. i need to do a better job by the drive way but that is a real mess and i just dont know what to do with it.

thats the biggest issue. i dont know where to put shit lol. 

so i got a new goal for myself...

everyweek ii'll do SOMTHING.  move stuff get rid of some of her struff pick up ANYTHING. i need to act liek a damn adult as hard as it is. over this past year i have gotten alot of stuff done in thoery. like moving her stuff out of my way. the living room looks pretty pathetic but eh.it is starting to feel more and more like MINE. so hopefully that gives me the motivation to get some stuff done. 

i got on new meds. this time it was a med for dizziness.  i never really thought that much about it before but alot of the time i would get dizzy or lightheaded then my stomach would feel fucked up but it just never hit me before because i was always dizzy. i feel fuckin great! my depression improved alot too since i got on that med. makes me feel alot better. maybe i dont have a serous mental heath issues but just a plain old heath issue that caused the depression. i heard somewhere depression is a symptom of like...everything lol. that even if you dont feel all that sick your brain knows shits up so it makes you all depressed so you dont strain yourself. 

if i can just get myself do to something for 2 hours every week. just 2 lil hours lol. i know that doesnt sound liek much but i really dont do JACKSHIT. meer. i doubt i'll do anything else tonight. i'm finally starting to get tired. 


tila a whirl 

lol.....ya know fuck it. i still do like alot of icp. there funny dudes lol. 


5/5/10 12:00 pm - losein my GOD DAMN MIND


lol..yeah that excited. i think i'm going to get my new comp sunday..oh wait thats mothers day... lol forgot. MONDAY! i'm getting it monday.


lol....seriously losing my mind!!!

i gave myself a mini rehab. i dont think anyone noticed lol. i've been feelin really down about myself lately and not wanting to do anything so the other night i stayed up almost all night watching my new fav show rescue me and last night just didnt sleep.  with my new comp on the way, sims 3 and my date with slay bells i should be able to turn myself around again. 

i had to do this a while ago. i dip alot. not sure why i cant seem to even out. the meds help a lil. i dont  WIG THE FUCK OUT anymore. the doctors think after the study is over they can get me a prescription for it, since it's already approved for something else. i can never remeber what....they tell em like every time lol but it's a mind thing. it would work better if i didnt keep forgetting the damn thing. i dont really FEEL any different on it which is a buzzkill but according to ed i'm doing really well. so i hope he is right.

what the hell did i start this for? i had a point...

oh! i started writeing again which is a big deal for me. for almost 2 years i just couldnt. writer's block is HELL. i couldnt even come up with a scene. i think it was because i had stoped reading WHICH I STARTED DOING AGAIN! and pretty soon after things starting coming to...which reminds me i've been slipping on the  reading thing...

another big deal thing is me and ed have been doing really good for like a month! i know that doesnt sound like much but normally at least once i month i lose my shit and we have a fight. said fight always ends in me trying to kick him out and crying for 2 days. that didnt happen. i think it's because our last talk really worked. i'm sorta shocked. i still dont know what i said or did but..yay! i mean we're really getting along good. i cant think of the last time there was an issue. 

his real test is this date. i'm letting him plan it out. i keep reminded him he has to plan it lol i came up with a good idea...the  bay. it's cheap, i can swim so he doesnt even have to talk to me lol...and since it's a long drive even if we're only there like 2 or 3 hours it's a whole day thing! only thing he'd have to pay for is gas. i even told him if he tells me the night before i'll make a lunch so he doesnt even have to buy food!.....although i'm hopeing he would want to get dinner after....even if we had lunch there. i really wanna go but something in my girl senses it wont happen. thats okay. movie and dinner is fine really. maybe skip over to the  mall so it last longer...i'm not picky at all. 

ahhh....it would be nice if just one when i stay up all night and we wake up together (only happens if i stay up all night lol) we could like...go to the  dinner and get pancakes!!!!! i always thought that was a romantic thing to do. i like gay shit like that. or like.....ummmm....i dunno lol.

i just want dates. he said something about Atlantic city when we had our talk. i'm not holding my breath lol. that would be ALOT of fun. just anything....DATES. ...grump.

i'm trying not to get too excited about moveing with gwyn but i really want to do it!! if for no other reason so i can bathe whenever i want to. i'm really sick of not being able to get a damn bath when i want. getting a shower is my faaaaav thing.  

also i really think if i had a clean place to start with it would help me STAY clean. here everything is such a mess at all times it's kinda hard to give a shit. plus it would feel kinda good to tell my grandma to suck it. let her fix this hell hole. i'm sicking of takeing all teh slack for a place that honestly wasnt much better when i got it.


i cant seem to say that enough. i dont  want it. i didnt want to move out of my mom's care lol. and truth be told as sad as it is i still havent really recovered from that. i know it's sad i should just move on but...fuckin shit. lots of parents do fuck up shit and i know i'm not the only person this happened to but i had it GREAT. i mean there was no sign at all. just one day i was waiting for her to wake me up for school and she was..dead. more or less. they had to take her out on a stretcher . i mean that pretty god damn tragic...yeah i wasnt  alil kid but in a weird way that made it worse. 

it may sound selfish and i do feel bad for kids who have to deal with that shit but they get desensitized to it. a 7 year old doesnt fully understand what is going on. i did. i knew how she felt, i knew why she would do it....and that..that sucks ass. i mean i've wanted to do it sooooo many times but didnt FOR HER. but she didnt feel the same way....is  fact is..i love my mom more then she loves me. 

that sucks.

OH!! best part! that day...we are still in teh room with my mom and my mom mom yells at me. lol...why? cause i didnt go to school that day lol..I AM DEAD SEROUS ABOUT THIS FACT. she straight  yelled at me.  bitch i found the of your sweet little baby angel and if it wasnt for me she'd be fuckin dead so how about some god damn respect!

..yeah i'm REALLY bitter about the whole thing. i dont think i'll ever be over it. i'm not even mad at my mom anymore but my mom mom.....i am so full of hate thinking about her makes me physically ill. lol i mean it. i felt fine not 10 mins ago now my stomach feels like shit. 

i cant never truly say how much i hate this whore. 

i love my dad more then her.

lol. that says more then any  random stream of adjectives. lol. 


this was about happiness let me get back on track lol. 

so the apartment thing lol. we're on there list of ppl to call. i'm goina have to get a second job to start saving..meer. i've never been good at finding work. like..AT ALL.  i've gone like a year in between jobs. i suck in  interviews plus i just dont know where to go. i'm goina have to start buying newspapers everyday at work again...there only like 75 cents so no big. problem is there mostly bullshit. like pyramid schemes and shit. lucky i am pretty good and knowing what is fake. one thing i am somewhat proud of. when it comes to men i fall for everything but as far as ppl selling me stuff or anything like that i have yet to be caught in anything. i think thats pretty damn good. i dont know too many ppl who can say they have NEVER fallen for somthing like that.

it helps i'm a total jew with my money lol.

so i have like goals for teh first time in....ever..lol

find second job

..okay i have goal...but it's better then what i've been doing. 

lately i havent so much been living as waiting to die. NOT THAT I WANT TO DIE! lol christ you really need to spell that out for ppl nowadays lol...


but...i havent really been alive either. just....waiting...and it really suck. it's worse then waiting to die really lol...at least death is a goal then lol...as sick and twisted as that is. so i really hope this whole apartment thing can happen.

i'm thinking of getting on ed's ass about finding a second job/better job. he's a guy. he can do like..ANYTHING. shit...they pay men to break rocks with bigger rocks. how fucking hard can it really be? he's completely healthy and i know he looks small but he's pretty strong. i cant think of much he couldnt do. plus he has a car lol..he can drive to places. i cant. he has everything going for him. buuuuuuut i feel bad bringing it because i know i could be doing more. still....he's a dude. no reason why he cant find work. 

what else? i think i already bitched and moaned about everything....christ now what am i going to do to waste time untill i can get a shower...

I WANT MY OWN GOD DAMN SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5/3/10 12:21 am - might as well update.

 first off real fast....i respect boondocks. lol they just had an ep about obama and called everyone out on the  fact that no one gave 2 shits about the  issues and everyone was just all over him because he was black. dont get me wrong, i'm happy enough with him but he's just a dude lol. he aint magic, he aint an angel...just your average perfectly boring president....with mad fly killing skills lol..


anyway...not really much to update about. my b-day is sooo soon!!! 13 days!!! i cant wait to get my new comp!!! siiiiimmmmsssss 33333333333333333333333333333!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so excited!!!! i cant wait to play it!! been looking forward for this forevers!! 

oh! i'm goina start looking into different jobs. like..school type things. i'm thinking trying to get into pharmacy. sounds easy enough. limited interaction with ppl. plus maybe i'll get to know some doctors or what not and find out what is wrong with me. no idea how i would pay for schooling though....i'm also thinking of being a vet tech but i dont know....i would love working around animals all day but i would have to be around DIEING animals..so that would suck. plus i bet vets get lots of strays and kitten and stuff and i would be very tempted to take everything home and that would be bad. 

i dunno. i need to look into this stuff. last time i looked the whole vet tech thing isnt like that big of a deal...your more or less a glorified  receptionist. i cant really think of what else i can do...i wonder how you become a temp? that would be fun. and if you screw up who the  fuck cares your a temp lol. i guess i'll look that up to.

oh and ed is taking me on a date!!!! i made him choice whatr we're goina do....got myself a lil dress! i'm goina get all made up!! it'll be so much fun. a whole day of just me and ed doin stuff...couple stuff. 

i guess thats all i have to say. 

4/6/10 12:27 pm - alot for 24 hours.

first off i want to talk about something...


it would seem i have been as forgiven as i can be. which is GREAT! for the first time in what 3 years? i dont have to worry about being around my best friends boyfriend!!! we came to a common agreement that what happened is in the past, for real this time. last time we rushed into an agreement and shit went south but now i think enough time has gone by that we truly can move on. 

so, i no longer have to think about it. i dont have to talk about it. it can go back to where it belong, a forgotten accident that has to be buried. i'm looking forward to being around him without having to second guess everything he says. so....deep breath and i hope this time, the peace holds.

on to the next major thing that happened in the past 24 hours.

well...i guess go in order.

i got home from work, and ed was watching 24. i knew i wanted to talk to him so i waited till the show was over before i went into. when the show was over i started with the most pressing fact.  i had talked to carson and his mom had agreed to house ed for a week or so. the plan was for him to go over there and we would not contact each other for this whole week. i then listed the options he was going to come home to...

1. pay $700 rent lol

2.become my house slave

3. prove he does in fact love me and we have a true future together.

4. leave.

his immediate reaction was....predicable. he screamed "is this because i didnt wanna go to the  beach one day!"   

i kept my cool, and calmly explained this has been goign on for months. i've been second guessing he loves me for about 4 months..well..i've admitted to feeling that way about 4 months ago. in the past month e's been extra....dickish. so a few days ago i texted carson about him staying there blah blah blah....anyway the convo 

admit you dont love...

i cant

so you do love me?


so you dont...i dont care anymore just man up.

i do love you.

why would i know that?

i say it.

i'm the queen of england.

and so on and so forth. FOR 4 HOURS!!! well most of it was me talking at him trying to get him to either say something or walk out. 

well..crying for 3 hours straight does something funny to a person. YOU LOSE YOUR DAMN MIND. i finally took a deep breath and went for broke. i went on a screaming rant and honestly i dont know what i said lol. i know it had something to do with me loving him so much i'd live in a cardboard box and if he got rich someday he only get sluts and if he leaves me he'll get hit by a car and our lives suck and we cant change them so lets date. lol.....scary part is...


yeah. 3 hours of slow thought out logic, 3 hours of crying, 3 hours of trying to appeal to his way of thinking and me screaming non sense for like 5 minutes straight gets through?

anyway, at that point something changed. he started talking back, even answering questions, sorta. so i took the chance to ask a very important question.

can you see your self with me in 5 years. 

yeah i know it sounds like something asked on a job interview but that is the thing to ask right? this is the answer i get

as long as my life goes to plan.

what the  fuck is that shit? what does that mean!...wait...that statement drove me to the crazy rant lol...forgot


my crazy rant did something. i dont know what i say that that made him have a change of heart but he did. and somehow i got him to agree to a full commitment. this leads to a few very key changes in how we will interact with each other. 

1. if he ever at any point backs out of this, he's out on his ass that moment. no more chances, no more sympathy, no more fuss. 

2. unless he gets his ass kicked out, we're together for real lol....i'm trying not to say we're going to get married someday because thats too..final a statement. BUT we are now on a path that would lead to that.

3. dates. they will happen.

4. i will be more forceful about him doing stuff around the house. 

5. i have to be more proactive in fixing the house. 

but what means the most to me about all of this mess....i have a future to plan for now.  

for the last year i've felt very lost. i had no goals and really i didnt give 2 shits what happened to me. now i have something to work for. i have a reason to try and better myself. i have to get healthy for ed. i have to clean the house so we can sell it so me and him can get a good place, so we can have a life together. 

i know it sounds corny as hell but i have my dreams back. granted it's a little too early to get too excited that we have moved on and we can do this but i got alot of hope. he seemed to be telling the truth but it was 2 am lol. but now at least i dont have that nagging question or at least i wont let it win. 

also now i have the power to kick him out with out feeling guilty.  he knows what he has to do, and if he cant do it this time. fuck him. 



3/31/10 09:22 pm - i fuckin hate everything about everything.

I dont understand...really.

2 weeks of working out at least a half hour everyday
i only drink water
no junk food for 2 weeks (well i had A peace of chocolate last night)
taking diet pills for 2 weeks
eating less then 2,000 cal. a day (my avg is 1500, my goal 1200)


how is that possible?

for real...how.

how can i still be this fuckin fat?

i'm hungray 24/7 because i can barely fuckin eat. when i do eat i cant eat the stuff i normally eat, always luna bars and yogart, fruit and that kinda bullshit. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?

i hate working out so much. it hurt, everything hurts. i sweat so much and i smell like a man all the time.

i'm takeing vitamins, i'm eating good food not crap, I'M WORKING MY ASS OFF! everything i do all day is just trying to lose weight and nothing. this is why i dont try to do anything. when i wasnt trying and fat...oh well your not trying


everytime i work out all i wanna do is cry. it makes me feel like death. i dont know what to do. at all. i just wanna give up. i'm so fuckin sick of wanting food, i'm so fucking sick of being fat, i'm so fucking sick of not being able to do anything!

so at this point i seem to have 2 options.

stop eating.

just become a 300 pound waste of a life.

somehow i need to force myself to do a fuckin hour of working out everyday. make sure not to eat more then 1200 calories. (and everything is based on 2,000 calories so who knows what i'm really putting in my fuckin body. )i'm at my wits end.


i dont have a choice really. i need to go on one of those crazy liquid diets. i have no idea where i will get the money to pay for said diet but i need to at least get down to 120 fast. if i can at least get down to that then i can go back to doing it the old fashion way.

i'm so fuckin hungry right now.

3/22/10 11:52 pm - i am 1,000 years old.

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